‘Can we make this through?’

Faiza Farah asks, do you really want to die before your death? Do you really want to end your life and tell yourself and the world that you gave up? Or you want to tell yourself right before you die that you made it?

Mindspeak

After I had my first heartbreak, I was totally numb for days. If I am being very precise, even saying months won’t be wrong. And when I got over that, I actually thought that I won’t feel this bad anymore. But then it happened again. Surprisingly, every single time it got even worse. But you know what? This could never stop me from falling in love. Not because, I always needed someone to lean on to. Because, I always gave myself a chance by loving myself first. By putting ‘Me on top of the list. There are a lot of things I have lost while drowning in someone else’s love. From friends to family, from endless opportunities of success to the top grades in exams. Some people came back, and some didn’t. Some decisions worked out, and some clearly didn’t. But in those few years, I kept searching for the love I thought that I had. Because, I forgot to love myself. I forgot to put myself first. And that made me a lot worse person than I ever was. I kept seeking for things that only I could nourish, rather I looked for it inside other people. As a result, that made me a slave to greed, arrogance and frustration. And what I am writing today is not about my heartbreaks or failures in life. Because, I know it’s just a part of life. And shits like these are always going to happen even if I isolate myself from everything and everyone. Because something wrong happening in my life is NOT my fault. It never was, and it never will be.

To be honest, I have gone through worse things than these. And those who are still reading this, may think that I’d say, I had got over them too. But sadly, I hadn’t. I have got molested in my life uncountable times when I was a child. Sounds pathetic, right? But it feels terrible I must say. I was this close to getting raped. Had my life threatened to death in front of the railings of the rooftop of my own house so that I don’t disclose all these to my parents or anyone else. And, that scarred me really bad. I hated myself. I blamed myself for something I had no control over. I kept questioning my existence. Sometimes, I actually feel like giving up on everything I am doing in my life. But then again, as people say life goes on. The bitter truth is, it actually does. It just keeps going on.

In the mean time, it keeps creating an empty space in you. It is a lot like dying before your death. And it will keep doing so until you finally die. As I am talking about death right now, sometimes I actually feel like ending my life for every bad memory that’s stopping me from being the best version of myself. But, I don’t think I will ever end up doing the same. Because I believe that suicide is never an option. Not saying this from a religious point of view. I myself don’t believe in religion. More likely I am saying this because I believe as you didn’t decide to enter this earth by yourself, you have no right to end your life all by yourself. Sadly, no one else will go through the shits for you. You will have to do that eventually all on your own. I see a lot of people committing suicide nowadays out of depression or because of various unfair incidents that have happened in their lives. Let me tell you something, having grief of losing a loved one is something, and diminishing yourself out of the grief is something else. Having repentance is something, ending your life without working on it is something else. This ends up in suicide. You just die out of grief and repentance. Then to get rid of this grief and regret you want to take your own life.

Before you actually end your life, think again. Is it actually worth it? Do you really want to die before your death? Do you really want to end your life and tell yourself and the world that you gave up? Or you want to tell yourself right before you die that you made it?

 

Faiza Farah is 20 years old.

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